An immediate B-line towards the doors of Sangren, one of the few buildings I know how to find on campus, took me to The Promise Land. Some may have looked upon the folding tables sloppily piled with hot dogs, popcorn, cookies, and cotton candy with a bit of suspicion, but I just trusted the good of humanity... and my previous knowledge that hot dogs come already cooked so you can't get food poisoning from them so there was little risk.
With pity for those walking by, rejecting the free food for some reason incomprehensible to me, I waited in line patiently for my freshly reheated hot dog. By the time I got far enough in line to attack the food table I was so giddy I couldn't stand still. I quickly scooped up my hot dog and spurted some ketchup on it. Following the slow, side-stepping line of tired college students, I hastily grabbed a bag of popcorn, a couple cookies and a water bottle. With all my goodies cradled in the nooks of my scrawny arms I trotted away.
I walked about 50 feet with a huge grin on my face before I tripped on a crack in the sidewalk. I reflexively squeezed all of the things I was holding. With my eyes closed I awaited the soft thump of a small object, but heard nothing. "Holy shit," I thought "that was really close. I should put some of this stuff in my backpack so that doesn't happen again." Snickering quietly at my close call, I slung my bag around my shoulder, plopped it on the cement right where I was and packed away my popcorn (the cookie and cotton candy had already been sucked up by this weird vacuum thing on my face). "Wow, I'm so smart. I'm on my A-game today," I bragged to myself about myself in my head.
My ketchup smothered hot dog in hand, I celebrated my small victory with a pompous walk back towards my dorm. I felt like the coolest kid in the whole wide world for the next minute and a half. I took about four bites of my hot dog, each one dripping with sweet, fruity ketchup and oozing with steamy grease from who-knows-what animal combination. Then I dropped it face down in the dirt. No dramatic fall. No outside force of evil. No logical reason. One second my hand was an inch from my face, full of deliciousness and the next second my hot dog decided to kill itself and jumped out of my hand. Maybe he had some serious issues or maybe he just didn't want to be eaten. I'll never know. All I do know is as I looked down upon my lifeless hot dog, I felt as if the god of hot dogs woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. "Why? Why did this have to happen? I didn't do anything wrong!" I shouted at the god of hot dogs as the rain began to down pour suddenly and I fell to my knees. "Whhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!?" I screamed to the heavens.
Actually I just walked back to my dorm with my shoulders a slumped from more than just my 100 ton backpack. I fail to understand why I couldn't have just been happy with the first half of the free hot dog at the time. I mean looking back on it with a full stomach I'm satisfied and happy I even had four bites. I think that losing something is usually twice as terrible as gaining something is wonderful. Although I didn't actually sob and crumple into a heap of limbs in the rain, the only thing stopping me was that I knew I had to be a grown up and bottle up my feelings for later. Oh and the fact that my life is not a movie where the weather constantly remains sympathetic to my feelings. Despite this tragic event, I still maintain the policy of never ever ever passing up free food. I think it's more worthwhile to take a chance with a free hot dog, even if chances are it will end up breaking my heart by committing suicide.
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