If elected I will increase snacks and naps across the nation with a stimulus package of assorted foods, pillows, and blankets. #Stasia2012 #realissues

As a first semester Political Science major avoiding studying for my National Government midterm, I am perfectly unqualified to run for President. Is that a hyperbole? Honestly I have no clue if I’m being serious or not. What I know for sure is that the presidential race is neglecting some serious issues effecting us in our every day lives. The old people in suits that are in charge of the way our country works are roaming around like zombies hungry for approval ratings and donations. Their purposeless pursuit shoves the simple things we care about aside and I’m over their buttheadedness.

Not to say the issues being debated aren’t important because they are. All I’m saying is some of the issues are completely irrelevant to how we feel everyday. I’m positive that at least 90% of us don’t wake up in the morning pondering what shape the economy is in. Is it a circle? A square? Maybe it’s a tridecahedron— and that can’t be a good thing can it? I’m sure most of us are trying to convince ourselves that laying in bed and scrolling through Pintrest and Tumblr for two hours before going to sleep wasn’t that irresponsible. Or more likely, hoping that there is some good cereal left for breakfast and you aren’t left with the crappy box of whole grain, off-brand Cheerios (Mom, now that I’m three hours away and you can’t yell at me for saying this, those are always on sale for a reason, they taste like moldy cardboard).

Another reason I am well under-qualified to run for President is my two years of experience in Student Leadership. I wouldn’t have been elected to the high rank of Student Representative without outstanding morals, electric charisma, and the fact that I had no opponent. I learned something in my time as a public servant that helped me out many times and I think my fellow public officials would benefit from it as well. When my committee couldn’t agree on the design on the bottom of the our prom tickets, I remembered that nobody really cares. This small notion removed the imaginary weight that was making a simple task into a Grand Falloon and pitting our committee members against each other.

When I couldn’t get the font size and style right on the programs for The Variety show, I remembered again that nobody cares and I was instantly able to pick Helvetica and beating up the innocent computer. When I wanted to smite the jerk that tossed the Homecoming decoration I spent four days drawing, cutting, and painting into the corner before it was done drying, I remembered that nobody cares, salvaged what I could from it and moved on to the next poster. Each time I’d fret myself into a tizzy about something I truly cared about and put a lot of work into I had to remind myself that my personal success was not the reason my people passively agreed to allow me to represent them. My people just wanted to have a good time at the event Student Leadership was putting together.

The things that the media, our officials, and that one guy you know who always has a new conspiracy theory to share are fighting a non-existent battles. I respect the government and the conviction to take rules, justice, and freedom seriously. What I don’t respect is the idiocy and bigheadedness that plague many political officials once they are elected into office and swept out of reality.

To provide an extended metaphor I will share a quick story about my ten year old self on a camping trip in Ludington, Michigan. I found a stick on the first day of my stay that year. The stick stood three inches taller than myself and it was stripped of all its bark. I knew it held magical powers because its smooth milky surface was trailed with mystical carvings left by Forest Nymphs. (Please don't tell my ten year old self they were really just tiny canals from ants eating it, I haven't had the heart to break it to her yet.) I used it for hiking, poking under rocks, fighting off evil assailants, and making me look really cool and majestic when I stood on top of a sand dune. One night I left it out near the fire pit. The next morning I awoke to find that my own flesh and blood had betrayed me. My dad had cracked it into pieces and burned it. I cried for at least an hour. Then I promised that no stick could ever be as great so I would mourn for my entire life and seek revenge on the world for its cruel tricks. For my metaphor, the media, public officials, and conspiracy theorists are represented by myself. My stick represents many current issues up for debate. My dad represents the majority of people and him throwing it away represents how many shits we do not give about the issues that have been blown out of proportion. In the end I forgot my petty plans for vengeance and moved on to another stick. The moral of the story is that even though something may seem to be the most important thing in the world, if you can't ignore your ego and budge a bit on an issue for the sake of progress than you are more immature than a ten year old girl.

I can’t out of good sense and conscious overlook that there are things up for debate that will have a huge effect on how we live. It is too easy to bash those in charge for not doing what we want, when we want, and how we want. There are a zillion different opinions they have to filter through, and it’s the life work of political figures to cater to their people, so it makes sense that they take small conflicts of interest and morph them into the huge battles. But when the way they approach issues is absolute insanity. They use terms like “The War on Drugs,” “The War on Women,” “The War on Terrorism,” and “The War on Freedom.” These aren’t wars, these are problems that have solutions and it is the purpose of the government and the responsibility of the people to manage these problems together.

Unfortunately our culture treats the problems we have as one of two extremes: a battles that will either result a in utopian society or bring on eternal doomsday, or they as silly matters that don’t effect us and only serve as reality show style entertainment. The truth lies somewhere in between. It is necessary to tackle these problems with an understanding that their outcome will effect millions of people in very real and immediate ways, but we it is also important to maintain a clear perspective in what is best for the long term.

The people we choose to represent us, the voices we choose to tune into, and the causes we choose to fight for affect us directly. As a makeshift Presidential candidate I’m asking you to think about the power in that notion. Each individual makes choices everyday that shape our world. That means you, me, your teachers, your neighbors, and that smelly kid that sits next to you in class get to decide if we like our economic and social life as a tridecahedron. If you don’t like it, you also have to choice to help change it. I’m running for president because what the people want matters and we have the power to make our representatives listen by minding our every day choices. Also I miss being old enough to vote this year by eight days so it makes me feel more involved. So go forth my brethren and sisteren! Be immense and important and wise and make yourself matter! After you decide what’s for breakfast of course.