Today a woman asked i’m sincerity how a Trans Woman, who had been attracted to girl a before they came out and went through hormone therapy would feel about women afterwards. So I began to explain how gender and sexuality are two separate parts of a human, the way gender is expressed does not change who you love, and a few other cool knowledge tidbits to fill in the gaps of her understanding.
The woman had a few "ah-ha!" moments and was really trying to unlearn the patriarchal myths that we all know and love to cry about. I was really loving it, and marveling and the genuine acceptance of others despite not understanding them exactly.
The woman had a few "ah-ha!" moments and was really trying to unlearn the patriarchal myths that we all know and love to cry about. I was really loving it, and marveling and the genuine acceptance of others despite not understanding them exactly.
While the woman was asking me what seemed to be the beginning of a really thought provoking question. We were speculating probably ignorantly, as two cisgender people can only do, about many experiences a trans person may go through. How it would feel to have sex with a penis when you don’t feel like a man? Would it be uncomfortable emotionally/mentally speaking? Maybe some people don’t care? Maybe some people do and that’s part of why they get surgery? We were flexing our empathetic muscles and genuinely considering all these things that Trans people may or may not contend with. (Again, ignorant speculation in attempt to understand deeper, I don’t know the answers to any of these things).
She began to ask me if I knew anything about a question she had regarding sex between two non-cisgender heteronormative humans. Then a grown man interrupted her mid-sentence. He had been part of our conversation minutes before. Once our talk turned toward the complexities of sexuality and gender, he fell silent. I had basically forgotten he existed. But after he interrupted her, he was impossible to ignore. In reference to nothing in particular he bursts out, “All I know is that is not normal!”
He did not interrupt angrily, but with that overwhelmed dismissal of a student in Calc 4 lecture, who really has no room in their brain for any more math and kinda implodes. His bug-eyed, disoriented look actually made him look pitiful. I felt that the inner reaches of his being were begging to be freed from the shackles of heteronormative constructs about gender and sexuality. I can neither confirm nor deny whether that intuition was correct. But I can tell you about my experience in navigating the conversation that followed.
“What is not normal?” I inquired.
He huffs, flustered by the lack of vocabulary to state his meaning without being a total turd munching jerk. “That! When you got two people trying to have sex..” Each incomplete phrase he spoke tonally rose, becoming a question before he gave up on the words then tried some different ones.
“I mean it’s just nature for sex to be to reproduce...that’s just how it is…when you don’t have that.. I mean hey you be whoever you want, but that just is not normal...”
Both the man and woman looked at me warily.Neither of them know me well enough to have been sure of how I would respond. But they do know me just enough to know that I would definitely say something about that. .
"Well what is normal?" I asked, feigning ignorance.
Not a word. He his eyes darted left and right, trying to find the answer on the celery green walls behind me. I couldn’t help feeling like I was explaining to my 4 year old cousin why it is mean to snatch his little brother’s toy away from him. He stated with exasperation, arms flinging into the air, as he gestured to us three "This!! This is normal! “
Not a word. He his eyes darted left and right, trying to find the answer on the celery green walls behind me. I couldn’t help feeling like I was explaining to my 4 year old cousin why it is mean to snatch his little brother’s toy away from him. He stated with exasperation, arms flinging into the air, as he gestured to us three "This!! This is normal! “
I stared at him almost expressionless. A lot of thoughts and feelings came to me at once. Firstly my babysitter’s sense was tingling, so I braced for the impending temper tantrum. If I reacted emotionally, then this conversation will go sour very quickly. Secondly, I have to see these people all the so I gotta take care of this nonsense even though I'm kinda freaked out.
Also in that one instant I was confused, then offended, then sad, then hungry, and finally resolute. That is a lot of feelings to manage at once, let me tell ya!
Oh BTW it is pertinent to know at this point that I am queer as a quacking dog. I know a lot of the world doesn’t know that about me. (Like literally not even my parents. Hi mom if you're reading this, we really need bread. I used the last piece for toast this morning. Hey Fred. Um... so I heard you fart in the bathroom this morning. I had to pee, but I didn’t go to the bathroom for like a half hour, despite knowing that it was an illogical aversion. It didn’t smell. The spirit of the fart lingered though, like a flatulent ghost scaring me into ignoring my screaming bladder while I sipped my coffee.)
Anyway, three things occurred to me in that one instant.
1. I could've destroyed this man's argument if I was like, "HA! Not straight. Got you, I win! You have to accept people for who they are from now until you die."
2. I was not in a safe, supportive place to come out
3. The fact that people have to come out is bullshit and dumb and shouldn't be a big deal
I have had many conversations like this, in which someone says something hurtful about gender or sexuality. Sometimes it’s been jerks being rude on purpose. Sometimes acquaintances who don’t know I’m not straight. Sometimes it’s people very close to me, who don’t realize what they’ve said and would feel terrible if they knew how much it hurt. The point is, in that one instant, my brain gave me involuntary recap of 20 years in which I’d been alienated & saddened & scared & angered by similar conversations.
1. I could've destroyed this man's argument if I was like, "HA! Not straight. Got you, I win! You have to accept people for who they are from now until you die."
2. I was not in a safe, supportive place to come out
3. The fact that people have to come out is bullshit and dumb and shouldn't be a big deal
I have had many conversations like this, in which someone says something hurtful about gender or sexuality. Sometimes it’s been jerks being rude on purpose. Sometimes acquaintances who don’t know I’m not straight. Sometimes it’s people very close to me, who don’t realize what they’ve said and would feel terrible if they knew how much it hurt. The point is, in that one instant, my brain gave me involuntary recap of 20 years in which I’d been alienated & saddened & scared & angered by similar conversations.
Now it is not to say all of my experiences regarding gender & sexuality discussions have been bad. In fact I’ve been privileged with friends, family & a community (both in Ferndale and WMU) that for the most part all make me feel supported and loved no matter who I love or how I identify. But in moments like this, my brain is in survival mode. My identity is locked and loaded on the tip of my tongue. I try to speak the words, but my brain is numb and the syllables taste like gunpowder. Every inch of me wants to spit it out, but anyone around me could be hiding sparks behind their teeth. And then what? It’s a choice between being invisible and to beckoning live ammunition into my lap.
That is a habitual poet’s way of saying that coming out to people is terrifying. Especially when you’ve been hurt doing it before.
Okay back to the conversation. Sorry about all the digressions, 20 years of repressed inner dialogue really can sneak up on you sometimes! So let’s review and get back to the story.
The man said, “Normal is when Sex = man + woman = baby.” Then gestured to himself, the other woman, and me, deeming us as representative of his version of “normal.”
Then I had many feelings about it at once:
Then I had many feelings about it at once:
I was confused (who are you pointing at--oohhh...oh. right you think I’m straight lololol)
...then I was offended (do I look straight to you? Uch. I so perfect the subtle nuance of “undeterminable sexuality” while still making everyone hope I’m only playing for their team. You are just not refined enough to see it. Plus you have a goatee, so really you have no credibility and should just chill silently over there away from me.)
...then I was sad (what if I really don’t pull off that nuance all the time...imagine how many cute girls and people were deterred from asking me out because they assumed I was straight…)
...then I was hungry (omg I haven’t eaten in 2 hours, that’s why I’m doubting myself! I totally pull off the nuance. It’s just snack time, so I’m feeling low.)
and finally I was resolute. (okay...I know, I know... this dude just happened to be born into a privileged life, where he never had to question his gender or sexuality. Just because the patriarchy is strong with this one does not mean he is a bad person. His life path has just never led him to anyone who helped expand his understanding of the world. That’s fine. I’m just kindly gonna drop a knowledge bomb on him. You’re welcome in advance, sir.)
So the man continued to fumble for back up to his claim, "A man and a woman! You know that's just how it is!! You and me and...all of us are normal. That’s how it is! I mean I know people can feel whatever crazy things in here and act different and what not...” he was gesturing to his forehead with jazz fingers to illustrate “crazy things.”
I could practically hear his patriarchy-soaked noggin, sloshing frantically in his skull. I thought I may have discovered a rare condition where the brain is sent into spastic fits, possibly the brain itself is having a fight or flight response to fear of the unknown i.e. the gay agenda & feminist lesbian witchcraft!
Before I could fully drift off into fantasies of Neil DeGrasse Tyson presenting me with the Scientist of the Year award for my miraculous discovery, the man said something I that triggered a deep hurt in me.
“But you know, when it comes down to it, anything like all that is not really gonna be like sex. We weren’t born to do it any other way, because sex is for men and women to reproduce. It’s evolution! Anything else it's...it's not normal.”
I proceeded in the conversation as the love of my life and hero, Daenerys Targaryen, would have done. (See: every chapter of GoT where Daenerys tricks army commanders, lords, mercenaries, etc. into doing what she wants by starting a proposition with the phrase, "I am but a young girl and know little of the ways of war...but give me all your soldiers/money/land...k thanks bye"). Channeling my inner dragon, I spoke with the determination to set others free as well as the humility & good sense to know when to play dumb in order to inflate the egos of insecure men so as to contribute to the greater good AKA to fight for the rights of anyone who is not cisgender and heterosexual by changing minds one at a time.
Also it may seem trivial, but I’m a human being and I want to be accepted & validated by society in some respects. So when people dismiss sex between people who are not cisgender men & women as being something less-than, it makes me feel as though I have to prove my full humanity. To prove that I can connect to someone I love just like anyone else.It's as if I have to defend the honor of a potential future girlfriend. ( Oh hey, future girlfriend! I’m not sure you even exist, but if you’re reading this, yes I am so loyal and caring that I am preemptively ensuring you are respected. You deserve nothing less. HMU anytime ;)
"I get how it seems different," I continued, trying to empathize with him. "Because we are taught that there is only two ways to be, it's something different. Being born a man or a woman and feeling like you are seen the way you feel. I definitely get it, it’s hard to unlearn..."
He insisted, “Well it is different. You know, people are born like they are so they can reproduce. It’s just what we are evolved to do!”
“I mean yeah, but is it possible that people have evolved beyond that? Like more than just living to reproduce?” I asked, oh-so-innocently.
He didn’t have an answer. But the woman chimed in again, “Yeah, I think we’ve evolved, but it’s still what we are born to do. We have to do it to keep our species alive.”
He didn’t have an answer. But the woman chimed in again, “Yeah, I think we’ve evolved, but it’s still what we are born to do. We have to do it to keep our species alive.”
“But what if we’ve evolved beyond just surviving as a species?” I proposed, then let the moment settle in for them. Silence.
I smiled, for some reason their doubt made me feel empowered. Maybe it was the idea that I have the privilege to see the world in a higher definition, with more brilliant complexities than people stuck in the cyclical though of sex = man + woman = baby. As mellow as can be I said,”I’d like to think we’ve evolved to the point where life can be about more than reproducing. We don’t have to live just to survive anymore.”
I smiled, for some reason their doubt made me feel empowered. Maybe it was the idea that I have the privilege to see the world in a higher definition, with more brilliant complexities than people stuck in the cyclical though of sex = man + woman = baby. As mellow as can be I said,”I’d like to think we’ve evolved to the point where life can be about more than reproducing. We don’t have to live just to survive anymore.”
He kinda shrugged and replied, “Well we do more... but I don’t know it's…” then he fell into undecipherable mumbling, while slowly looked down and shook his head.
I waited until his gaze met mine, then stated, “Humans do things all the time that are not to reproduce.” I strategically paused for effect, making careful use of my ¾ of a degree in Communication by peaking his anticipatory attention.
I broke the brief silence, “Do you go to work to reproduce?”
I broke the brief silence, “Do you go to work to reproduce?”
“No..”
“Do you listen to music to reproduce?”
“Do you listen to music to reproduce?”
“Wha-- no that’s not why--”
“Do you play sports to reproduce? Do you eat to reproduce?”
“Do you play sports to reproduce? Do you eat to reproduce?”
“No, what’s your point?”
“I’m just saying that there is more to life than sex & reproduction. We have evolved beyond on that and life can be about so much more. People are just a lot more different & complex than we are taught to think they are.”
“Well, I’ll give you that they are different…” he said as he shuffled his papers on on desk and tried to look busy.
I took the hint and got out of his hair. I am really proud of myself for keeping a level head during all this. For not reacting from the hurt I felt, but from an empathetic view. Even though it was scary, I took advantage of a teaching moment. That is not something I have always had the composure to do when this stuff comes up, but I’m learning. So yes I am taking a moment to brag. But only because I've had this conversation dozens of times that end up with me trying to make someone feel like an asshole or looking & feeling like an asshole myself. Yay to growing as a human!
“I’m just saying that there is more to life than sex & reproduction. We have evolved beyond on that and life can be about so much more. People are just a lot more different & complex than we are taught to think they are.”
“Well, I’ll give you that they are different…” he said as he shuffled his papers on on desk and tried to look busy.
I took the hint and got out of his hair. I am really proud of myself for keeping a level head during all this. For not reacting from the hurt I felt, but from an empathetic view. Even though it was scary, I took advantage of a teaching moment. That is not something I have always had the composure to do when this stuff comes up, but I’m learning. So yes I am taking a moment to brag. But only because I've had this conversation dozens of times that end up with me trying to make someone feel like an asshole or looking & feeling like an asshole myself. Yay to growing as a human!
Anyway I like to think that even if nothing I’ve said stuck with him, I’ve exposed him to some new ideas. So maybe every time he hears talk of accepting unfamilar gender and sexuality identities, that he could be a little less confused & afraid. Maybe down the line he even understands and empathizes. Maybe he dies thinking sex = man + woman = baby. Whatever. I did what I could.
Plus that woman is totally on board and learned like 17 things. I swear a light bulb literally flashed over her head every 1.5 minutes during that conversation, it was awesome.
Plus that woman is totally on board and learned like 17 things. I swear a light bulb literally flashed over her head every 1.5 minutes during that conversation, it was awesome.
And just for your peace of mind, let me bring this thing full circle for you. This whole conversation started from a discussion about Caitlyn Jenner. I think she has done an amazing thing, by adding a voice and opening dialogue about gender and sexuality. Like many before her, including Laverne Cox & Jazz Jennings, she has taken a risk in coming out, but ultimately made space for others to do the same. The freedom and vulnerability in that go hand-in-hand: you are no longer isolated by your secret inner world, but the real world will react.
When you come out, you give the world the power to talk about you, to try to label & define you or write you off as crazy or weird. (So you’re welcome for the power). But the cool part is that you are bound to spark a conversations. Not all will be supportive conversations. Some will be hateful. Many will just be awkward, cooperative unlearning about the way the world works. Either way, people are learning and others feel less alone.
I’m not trying to steal a spotlight from Trans people or change the world or anything. I just never want to feel like I did today again, like I have to hide a piece of me. So what up world, here I am. Talk about it. But not to me. I mean if we are tight it’s whatevs. But if you are gonna be weird please rethink your life choices. Like if someone texts or fb messages me like, “congratulations!!!” or like “I ALWAYS knew it!” or like “why didn’t you tell me??” I will just feel so weird.
Like what can I say back to that you know? “Yes I am myself? Thank you for engaging me in social contact for which there is no social script. I will whimper silently to my screen now as I decide what to say to you and/or how long I should feel guilty about ignoring you.”
Let’s avoid that. k thx u rawk. don’t ever change. h.a.g.s.
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